Chapter 8: In limbo

I am stuck in limbo. I have had more than a month now out of hospital since my last cycle of chemo, waiting for my body to recover enough that I can go back in for my next one. It’s strange because I feel the most well and healthy I have felt since before all this started, but it’s apparent from the bi-weekly blood tests that my body is taking much longer than expected to recover this time. My bone marrow has taken a beating from the concoction of chemicals pumped into me and currently refuses to produce an adequate amount of blood cells. I am halfway through my treatment, and somewhere close to going back for the next lot, and I am not in any way complaining about having had so long to recover this time, but it is just delaying the inevitable. I get myself mentally prepared and psyched up for being readmitted and then my blood results aren’t up to par and so the date moves on a few days… And then the process repeats. I am stuck in limbo.

It’s also since feeling well and healthy the last few weeks that I have found myself feeling more and more impatient that this is my life currently. When I felt lousy and exhausted it was easy to accept that I was a sick person, but now that I’m feeling like my old self I find myself really angry that this is my life currently. I’m done with the lack of privacy about my health, I’m done with everybody knowing everything, with being checked up on and I’m sick of talking about hospital and treatment and cancer. I’m sick of people sending their love or hugs or asking after me. I want to be a normal 27 year old that doesn’t require this much attention. I want to feel like I’m 27, not 7.

It’s not that I’m not appreciative of the amount of support I’ve received, even from people who I’m not that close to or people I was at school with, it’s more that I don’t want to need the support anymore. I just want to be able to get on with my life instead of feeling like everything for me has frozen in time and everybody else is busy getting on with their lives. I am stuck in limbo.

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